This is a remarkable article of Dr. Marsha Linehen, the leading therapist and researcher who developed Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, talks about her own experience as a suicidal teen and how she gets to where she is today.  This offers so much hope for those who suffer from pain and struggle with their existence.

The HSPs Among Us

At work settings, HSPs are more oriented to details, and they are loyal and conscientious workers.  HSP works best in a quiet and calm environment, and prefers to process information alone.  HSP may seem less social at work, but usually feels comfortable and more at ease with one on one interactions.

As a student, a HSP learns much better when he or she is not over aroused.  Being put on the spot, answering questions in class, or join in discussions are situations which may cause high arousal for HSPs.  Unfortunately, this is often misunderstood and HSPs may be seen as shy, not learning or do not understand.  HSPs like to learn things through picking up subtleties and process information internally.

In relationships, HSPs tend to form fewer although deep and long lasting friendships.  HSPs seem to have the tendency to fall deeply and passionately in love. The challenge for HSPs in romantic relationships is to find balance in the need for intense connection and the need for personal space.  When a non-HSP and a HSP are in relationship, the non-HSP may become the in-charge person and interacts with the outside world for the pair, whereas the HSP may struggle with finding calmness, claiming space, or the need to be alone.  The HSP may also take on the role of feeling more emotions or noticing subtleties for the couple. When two HSPs get together, they are similar in arousal levels and have good understanding of the other’s need to stay within comfortable arousal level.  The pair does not have to deal with big differences, the relationship can be very satisfying but could also get boring in the long run.

How To Cope With Your High Sensitivity

Once HSPs understand the differences in their sensitivity and arousal level, they can make adjustments in the way they interact with others or the environment.  By learning more about when it is safe to come out, or when it is time to retreat, they can manage level of stimulation to fit their needs.  By understanding what helps reduce arousal or stress, and what stimuli to avoid when they become too much, HSPs can regulate arousal level better.

To improve relationship with others, HSPs may need to learn and practice setting healthy boundaries as well as communicating effectively: taking time to be alone, requesting changes to improve living or working environment, or leaving a party when they have enough.  HSPs may also learn to make requests or ask to get more of whatever it is that they enjoy or makes them feel great.  Sometimes they may find taking a risk or venture out of their comfort zone can bring a lot more energy and excitement into theirr life that they haven’t anticipated.

To help HSPs manage stress, practice good self care and routine is very important.  Getting good nutrition, good sleep, and regular exercises are all necessary everyday self cares that nourishes HSPs and help them managing over-arousal. Spiritual practices, yoga, and many forms of meditation or relaxation techniques can reduce stress and induce state of calmness.

HSPs are also great candidates for psychotherapy. The rich inner life that a HSP seldom communicates to the outside world may be explored and supported by the safety provided in psychotherapy.  Therapy can be a powerful healing place for HSPs to understand themselves, find acceptance, and learn to navigate the world with ease.

To learn more about Joy’s psychotherapy practice, please visit:    http://psychotherapywithjoy.com

“You cry too much!”

“Chill out, don’t sweat it!”

“You need to come out of your shell!”

Do these sound familiar to you? Are these messages that you have been getting most of your life about who you are?  You might be one of us – the highly sensitive person (HSP).

HSP is a term used by widely published psychologist and researcher, Dr. Elaine Aron, after her extensive research on this population.  The highly sensitive person is someone born with the trait of a highly sensitive central nervous system.  What this means is that the highly sensitive person is more easily aroused or stimulated by the environment than others.  He or she is deeply aware of the self and attune to others and the surroundings.

According to Dr. Aron’s research, about 15 – 20 % of the populations are highly sensitive.  She found that there is really a biological difference in the nervous system of HSP and non-HSP.  HSP processes sensory information to a greater extent than non-HSP, which also make them susceptible to over stimulation and over arousal.  And what is more interesting is that this innate hypersensitive trait is also observed in all higher animals and show up in about 1/5 of the species.

In Dr. Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, she provided readers with a short self test to help people identify whether they may be a HSP. The test includes questions such as sensitivity to caffeine or loud noise, highly conscientious, affected by other’s mood, startle easily, needing a lot of alone time, stressed by changes…etc.  HSP is NOT to be confused with shyness, introversion, or social inhibition.  The term HSP describes a neutral trait, not better or worse than non HSP; however it does offer positive outlook and comfort for the HSPs to know that we are just different, and we are not alone.

When I first found out and read Dr. Aron’s book, I felt deeply understood by what she described as HSP and how the world seems to overwhelm me.  I am a HSP who struggles with “am I too sensitive?” and “stop being this way” throughout my life: when I find myself needing to leave a party as soon as I get there, when I am unable to process information in class and unable to contribute to discussions,  when I can’t perform well when I know I am being watched, when I try going out of my way to arrange or organize my life to avoid stress, when I just want to go home and be quiet…the list goes on.  Understanding what a HSP is definitely helps me find ways to nurture myself and to continue expanding in the world.

If you are interested to learn more about HSP, please click here.

Discipline is essential in helping children understand right from wrong, what behaviors are appropriate and what behaviors are discouraged.  Providing structure for children helps them understand what’s expected of them, furthermore, it helps create sense of safety.

It is extremely hard to strike the right balance between discipline children and allowing them room for individuality, freedom, creativity, self exploration, and ability to think and speak for themselves.  Harsh or authoritarian parenting style, however, can crash a child’s sense of self, diminish a child’s ability to think, feel and express, stifling creativity, and may cause anger and resentment.

Certainly not all Asian American parents choose to parent in the extreme way.  And many Asian parents choose to use strict parenting style because these immigrant families paid high price to make it to America. Becoming highly educated is the most direct way to climb the social ladder to success. These methods help produce a lot of highly successful Asian Americans (and it’s great if it works for them), and they also created a lot of emotionally scarred Asian Americans.

When these Asian Americans make their ways to my therapy office, there are recurring themes of what they come to get help with.  Low self esteem affect how they function in the work place, in school, and in social life.  Difficulty with expressing feelings and communication often cause damages to their important relationships.  Unable to assert oneself and set clear boundaries have caused chronic stress, anger, and health problems.  Being deprived the opportunity to develop a solid sense of self has cost their sense of independence, aspiration and aliveness.  So, Asian parents and non Asian parents, please do make adjustments of your parenting style according to your child’s needs and personalities. Growing up is already hard enough, please support and be there for your child.

Related Link:

If you are interested in learning more about Joy’s psychotherapy practice, please visit: http://psychotherapywithjoy.com

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=get-attached

And here’s a fun quiz to find out your attachment style:

http://www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz/

The holiday seasons coincide with important anniversaries for many people, which can be painful reminders of loss or grief. During the holidays, when we are reminded to spend time with loved ones, we also miss those that are not around us more intensely. People tend to recall events or memories from the past holidays or years, it is quite common that strong feelings of sadness and lost can come back even for those who have gone through the process of grieving.

For those who do not have others to celebrate the season with, either by choice or not, this time can be particularly challenging. For some people the feelings of isolation and loneliness are quite real.  Sometimes people may experience severe depression or having thoughts of suicide when the isolation and sadness become too much to tolerate.

End of the year also bring up questions of how well we have done or what have we accomplished. It is a time for reflection, a time to look deeper within ourselves. Am I heading the right direction with life? Am I happy? What’s missing? What do I want more?

Adequate amount of exercises are important in keeping us healthy and balanced during this time. Walks, gym, yoga, and many other types of physical activities are good for our mind and our body. It is even more important during this time that we take good care of ourselves. Deep breathing and other relaxation techniques are also helpful in keeping our blood pressure low and help us feeling calm.

We may decide it is time to change the negative patterns in our life, either our interactions with others or our relationship to ourselves. It may be helpful to talk about this with someone we trust, get different perspectives, and set realistic goals so we can make some changes. If you are dealing with loss, grief or other difficulties, you might find that it is helpful to talk to a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, to help you move beyond where you feel stuck.

If you are interested in reading more about Joy’s psychotherapy practice, please visit: psychotherapywithjoy.com

Holiday gatherings are meant to be times to be with our families and friends. However, holidays can also become cause of our stress. Why? Despite the best intentions from all, our old family patterns come back easily. Family conflicts are intensified when we have to spend extended period of times with families whom we may not choose to spend time with in the rest of the year.

Family conflicts also may happen when expectations are high regarding how “ideal family” should be. The holiday times can be quite intense for many, with added pressure to behave in certain ways, give expensive gifts, or try to be jolly. In addition to personality differences, stress might be added when there may be clash of different cultural, religious or traditional practices from family members by marriage, or blended families like step families or adopted families.

Being realistic about your expectation of the holidays is one way to manage the stress. Try to look ahead and be aware of what feelings may be coming up for you. If you already know that certain needs or expectations were unmet in the past, they are unlikely to be met this year without some changes. Are there ways for you to request or make your needs known so they are more likely to be met? Or could you let go of expectations? You might also make a conscious decision to spend more time with those whom you care about deeply rather than forcing yourself go through meaningless or superficial gatherings.

Setting limits and being clear about our boundaries are other ways of preventing us from feeling burnt out. This can be applied to situations ranging from how much time to spend with others, how much time is reserved for your family only or for your alone time, to how much money or energy to spend on cooking, shopping, gifts, or taking trips.

Research and statistics painted a surprising and bleak picture: Asian American women have the highest suicide rate among all women in the United States.  These studies also shown that there are high numbers of Asian American women suffer from depression and have contemplated suicide.  This doesn’t make a lot of sense, since Asian Americans are considered the “model minority” who has shown to be a highly successful group in the American society. Why are so many Asian American Women depressed and feeling suicidal?

Many researchers argue that Asian American culture is achievement oriented, that you are expected to succeed in all areas of life, and there is no room for failure.  The pressure to be highly successful is often unrealistic and caused a lot of stress for Asian Americans regardless of gender.  For the Asian American Women, however, there is additional stress caused by having to manage or deal with conflicting sexual stereotypes as well as being hyper-sexualized.  Many experience confusion in having to adopt between identities of the strong and powerful “dragon lady”, and the passive, soft and submissive role.  How can you be expected to be accomplished and outspoken at the same time being passive and modest?  Other than these dualistic societal images, Asian American Women also face additional stress from their family expectations.  All these factors may contribute to a limited sense of identity and self-worth, which also results in depression.

As an Asian American woman, I have also grappled with many of the same struggles and periods of depression.  I encourage all of us Asian American Women out there to find your identity, find your place, be kind and accepting of different and creative ways of being in the world.  And as a therapist, I urge those of you who experience depression to reach out for support, to your friends, to your community, to your spiritual guidance, or to a culturally sensitive therapist. You can end depression with some outside help.  You don’t have to be alone.

If you are interested in reading more on this topic, please go to the following link:

http://www.womensenews.org/story/mental-health/060918/asian-women-face-model-minority-pressures

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113114107