San Diego Therapist – Joy Tsai Yuan Hung, MFT

Why are some people affected by shyness much more than others? Shyness is sometimes considered a personality trait, such as being introverts.  Some people are sensitive and more timid biologically.  Some people are shy because of negative past experience that might have caused them to feel ashamed or humiliated in social situations.  Most likely shyness is a combination of all the above mentioned factors.

I have seen many clients suffer from shyness.  I am also affected by shyness and at one point in my life painfully shy. Here I would like to share with you a few ideas on how to overcome shyness:

1. Accepting Our Shyness

To overcome shyness, I often reminded myself as well as my clients, that shyness comes and goes, and it doesn’t define who we are as a person. When we feel safe, surrounded by people we know and whom we feel comfortable with, most likely shyness is not a problem at all.  Therefore, being kind and gentle with our feelings of shyness and accepting our shyness is a great starting point in managing it.  It is also very helpful to let other people know that we are feeling shy.  We are most concerned about others seeing us as uninterested, aloof, or distant when we feel shy. Why not do others and us a favor by letting them know that “I feel shy right now”. This dispels the big secret that we are holding and acting as if we are “not shy”, and then we can finally relax into our shyness at the same time clearing up the misconception that we are not friendly, uninterested, cold or stand off-ish.

2. Social Skill Training and Assertiveness Training

Learning about basics of social skills can be very helpful for shyness. This may include being more observant and more conscientious of pro-social behaviors such as greeting people, introduction, eye contact, facial expression and body language.  Learning how to carry on a conversation by being an attentive listener, and asking people questions about what interest them. Open up by talking about yourself more as you feel comfortable. When there’s more sharing of personal information, the conversation deepens as well.  When practicing the social skills, choose one or two at a time rather than trying to do all at once.  Also give yourself plenty of positive feedback and encouragements for practicing. Reward yourself for the process and try not to focus on the goal.

It is beneficial to do some research before going into a professional setting. Preparing before going to events by knowing who you will be meeting, how many people are present, and what their roles are.  Researching is great, but don’t sweat it by stressing yourself out trying to cover all possible topics.

Practicing assertiveness can also be helpful to overcome shyness.  Please see the blog entry regarding assertiveness: http://sandiegotherapy.wordpress.com/2010/05/21/being-assertive-express-yourself-ask-for-what-you-need-or-saying-no/

3. Challenge and Change Negative Self Talks

I think the most critical enemy for people who are shy is negative self talk. As soon as we know an event is coming up, our inner dialogue starts its chattering with “I don’t think people like me”, “I don’t know what to say”, “I look so dumb”…etc. Before long, we convince ourselves that we will be embarrassed and feel so uncomfortable that we might as well stay home.

Critical or negative self talks are not helpful and often are not the reality.  They come from our fear, irrational thinking, and distorted beliefs. However, it is so automatic that we believe in what we tell ourselves without ever questioning the validity of the statements. So we end up decide to not apply for a job, not ask someone out for a date, and not go to a social gathering…

I often ask my clients to make a list of their negative self talks. We examine these statements to see if they are true.  Are there evidences for them being true? Are they realistic fear or fear blown out of proportion? Are they specific in one situation or generalized to represent all settings?  How to change these self talks into something more realistic and helpful to you?

4. Relaxation Techniques.

I teach my clients different breathing exercises and relaxation techniques in therapy session to help them manage shyness better.  Deep breathing before or during a social event helps people continue to stay calmer and practice the skills they learn. There are techniques used to manage anxiety that often also work very well with shyness, and they are practiced in therapy settings. For example, one of the techniques is by therapist helping clients work through different feared and anxiety provoking situations while pairing with relaxation techniques.

Managing feelings of shyness is an ongoing process.  I think it is unrealistic to expect shyness to go away completely. However, we can learn to deal with feelings of shyness so that it does not continue to interfere with our life.